fell asleep early and awoke to banging thirty minutes ago

From a glance out the window large water leak 

massive backhoe 

and dump truck down the street 

with flood lights aimed at a neighbors yard 

animals now wide awake 

no water

Book Eight

King's Mountain 

coincidentally about my ancestors. 

The Seviers. 

I've spent the past year reading over so many historical records pertaining to this branch of my family, my father's family.

My last familial Sevier in name being Mary Polly Sevier of then Mouth of the Wolf, Overton County Tennessee, Willow Grove, where her father and mother with multiple relatives had settled on 65,000 acres gifted to the Seviers. This area later flooded by the TVA to create Dale Hollow and bring electricity across the state. 

Mary marries a Turner and Severe (sic) is last written on the death certificate of her daughter who I have had a photograph of since I was ten years old. 

Rebecca Jane Turner Goodall 

in the photo also stands her daughter for who I am named. 

we're here now

 in the past few weeks as I venture into the community close to home 

I notice how much of it is new.

not the places,

the geography is much the same, 

appalachia is a slow place, 

but the people. 

all these groups I have joined 

all composed by people 

not here before pandemic. 

I find it a little amazing in a way 

over thirty souls who had never seen or spent time in our area, aside from vacations, 

rolling in from: 

new hampshire 

connecticut 

florida 

new york 

vermont 

and any handful of states and cities that typically we never saw a transplant from previously.

"Tennessee's animal laws are awful! I'm sorry but they are" 

"Don't look at me when you say that! We're from Florida"

I raise my hand. 

"I was born and raised here."

"Why are your laws so bad?"

It takes me a moment to determine what 'bad' means

and I realize that in relation to city laws

we had laws governing the keeping of animals as it pertained to the small self-sustaining plots of land 

and animals 

as people once were too,

workers.

in my mind I see my own grandfather's dog running fields

keeping sheep in

moles, groundhogs, and coyotes at bay. 

no one would ever have instituted a 'leash law' 

or a law about proper housing

the dog got in the barn with the straw and other animals when needed

no one kept a field animal without proper water

it ate table scraps before my nana composted.

I start to speak and someone talks over me 

"We're here now!" 

as if in triumph

her mere presence bettering appalachia because

she is standing here

and was from 

somewhere else.

no desire to know history

or understand time

or her neighbors.

lacking any respect for place.

 tonight I made chili from scratch

even the seasoning my own concoction

created through small tastes while it boiled

a pinch 

a flick 

another stir. 

mama brought an apple cake.

we shared with my neighbor who mended my fence after a large limb fell on it

last night I took him and his wife vegetable beef soup

made from the leftover roast, fresh vegetables added in a tomato-based broth.

I finished Lessons in Chemistry. 

I laughed. I cried. 

I have ordered so many cheap large print books. 

It feels amazing to be reading again and enjoying it. 

Even though work will be starting, and I need to be focused on our book group read of the month

I started Station Eleven. 

This will be read seven for 2025. 

who knew I wasn't reading because it hurt to try that hard to see?

tomorrow Mama and I have planned a quilting day. 

frying bacon

 I fried bacon and sausage,

scrambled eggs, 

and made waffles this morning. 

I don't typically cook large breakfasts. 

My mama always did though 

almost every day of my childhood 

Fried in cast iron, a skillet she still has, though it has grown harder for her to lift now with her arthritic wrists. 

the smell of the breakfast cooking alone reminds me of being a kid

the aroma of waking up in a country house

my father's coffee in the background when he was home. 

I watched the chickadees out the kitchen window 

and mentally made a list of ingredients that will bridge meals

hoping to save a bit this month 

since I will be a few weeks without pay

so many weeks for this year.

when my W2 came back I had to laugh at myself

for all my traveling 

and trying 

I made less last year than had I simply worked here in town.

I am home

and I watch the birds out the window

and make imaginary grocery lists in my mind 

occasionally glancing at the hot grease popping over a slender slice of pork in the skillet.

the shelter and a birthday

 today i volunteered at the animal shelter 

went shopping for gifts for my niece 

and 

as a family we celebrated her 14th birthday at my sister's apartment. 

since my prior writing my sister has divorced her second husband due to him having a girlfriend

((a perfectly good reason to divorce a husband in my opinion)) 

and moved into her own apartment 

she shares custody of the dog and my niece with him 

((he has since moved on from the first to a second 

and now a third girlfriend)) 

tonight 

now home 

I do laundry. 

I have one more week off before proper work begins again. 

My focus is a clean, organized, and welcoming space.

book six

Crying in H Mart (complete)

Next

Lessons in Chemistry

book group

Tonight was book club. 

It was one of the most enjoyable group events i’ve attended. fourteen of us in a back room of a local restaurant drinking everything from tea to bourbon and back again 

each trying a different entree 

and talking about a book 

and life and experiences and politics and other books and restaurants and meals for hours. 

Ages nine to early 80s.

And 

I talked with my cousin today. 

one of my first cousins and I have grown closer over the past year following the suicide of her step-brother, also my cousin. 

we talk about everything from the mundane to the deeper happenings.

after a horrible traditional marriage to a local farmer from ‘old family’ she met a wonderful woman who she’s now had over a decade long relationship with, happily. 

the less than traditional course her life path took led her mother and extremely religious sister to disown her, aside from messages of the intensity of their prayers and fears for her soul. 

so my cousin found herself hurting and needing and everything magnified by the loss of the brother she’d had in her life since before she started elementary school. 

and now we chat, at least once a week and meet to spend time together every few months. 

Late December we met at a cabin a few hours from our homes and had a meal. Almost twenty of us. we played charades and shared about our lives, and ate good food 

we hadn’t shared a holiday in a long time 

nothing arising about my now dead cousin until our group photo when his sister burst into tears because 

he

was

missing. 

I held her, and when I would feel her cry harder I would hold her tighter and eventually she calmed 

whispered a ridiculous comment of how rude she had been as a child 

and gave me one last hard hug before we loaded the car to drive home in the dark.

I’m a fourth of a way through Crying in H Mart 

and our next read for book group is the raven tower which I’ll start next. 

six degrees

six degrees. thankfully no snow or ice. simply cold.

thermostat low with the kids at school. I drag around my space heater. 

yesterday was my new hire appointment. 

one of my favorite former nurse supervisors has come out of retirement to work employee health occasionally. What a surprise 

seeing her, hugging her, hearing her encouragement 

meant so much. 

marie was one of the best to work with. a hard ass in the best way, with a stellar sense of humor. 

I picked up plain pulled pork at the grocery deli, a small coleslaw, and some Hawaiian rolls. we had a late lunch all together, ((including mama)) after the kids got home from school. 

I laid out some ground beef with the intention to brown and keep in the fridge for meal additions. 

a roast in the crockpot with vegetables for tonight. 

100 pages remaining in A Spy Among Friends

While it is well reviewed and written the entire text reads like an introduction to me. 

It was a christmas eve book exchange present. 

we trade around the good reads as a family, but sell or trade most everything afterward. 

now A Spy Among Friends promptly in the sell pile. next….read five of 2025

reads of the new year

 

Books of 2025

The Frozen River - Ariel Lawhon

Taste of Blood - Lynda La Plante

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window and Disappeared - Jonas Jonasson

((for book group on the 23rd))

Updated

A Spy Among Friends - Ben Macintyre    

Crying in H Mart

Lessons in Chemistry

Station Eleven 

just business

 

I forgive myself for not being a big reader the past few years. 

I continue to tackle one academic program after another. 

I am already a few terms into my masters of business administration 

It is almost too fast to enjoy, 

though I did start this program for enjoyment. 

5-week terms mean I am reading almost nonstop and writing the remainder of the time. 

I miss the pace of a more regular schedule. 

I have no idea why we are obsessed with speed in education 

at the sacrifice of true learning

i need time for things to ruminate 

i need to off road 

i need to make connections to other books, articles, texts, scholarly work, photographs, art. 

 

so I took a five week break, though I was excited about the course and the professor and the material. 

I took a break to be a person. be home. 

I have had months off work this year, primarily without that set intention. From January 2024 till today. 

one contract went bad in virginia. 

it was difficult to find anyone to work with my practicum completion 

it was difficult to find new contracts

I interviewed close to home hoping to stay but found little because of the timing being around school graduations. 

helene 

my wreck 

helene's forced restructuring of the hospital. 

my desire to be more than a person who answers pings in the night, 

autogenerated reports from ai and analytics. 

my desire to not see an average of hours growing glued to a screen. 

my desire to not continually be told 'to be more corporate' because they were 'developing me' as a 'leader' 

Due to the CBA, this is as much about us against them, as anything related to actual attempts at leader development. 

it is forced distance in case of strikes 

in case of walk-ons. 

I refuse to believe this is the only business model that will sustain, that will see us through, that will grow our profession of caring. 

something beyond myself has given me break after break this year. 

all i can do is attempt to right myself to best be of service to something greater than the ME and the I. 

blank journals

i’ve bought journals almost like an illness

since childhood. 

i have many now. sometimes pasted over, words removed. sometimes forgotten. 

i find sentences written five birthdays ago about vultures

the garbage truck 

my own frustrations, suppositions, musings. 

is it any wonder that freely (perhaps not so much with settings and passwords) 

I have also many floating electric word repositories

from so many versions of my self. 

sometimes little snippets find me 

or someone else finds them 

“is this you?” 

“certainly not the me now.”

((I have ended employment with the company I began working for in early 2022 that required a non- blogging agreement. Even though work was only a scant measure of my writing better to be safe. life as a sole provider, always better safe than sorry.))

I am still living in the city I was in 2021. The kids still live with me, the dog, and now two cats. 

I recently took a job within two miles of home, a small community ER, mid-shift 12-12. 

I have begun volunteering for the animal shelter and joined a book group, though my visual focus from near to far and back again has made me primarily a large print reader  

I’ll still fight for a good story. 

perhaps at the urging of nancy, writing again may be a connection worth re-establishing. 

if you find me again i’ve missed you. 

if you find me for the first time hello. 

come in. take your shoes off. i find i am more informal with age. 

dinner tonight, which I cooked enough for mama and took to her, was chicken legs boiled first to create a rich bone broth and then roasted with potatoes, tomatoes, and carrots. Fresh baguette for the sop. 

reading: The 100-year-old Man Who Climbed Out The Window and Disappeared and A Spy Among Friends. 

internet out due to weather. a quick first scribble from my phone to start anew. 

here, 

now.

no longer a blank journal.